Time For A Mood Change

Before I start to describe Borderline, firstly I would like to sum it up in a couple of sentences, and when you continue to read this page, see if you agree or not. To me, Borderline is like… A continuous cycle of confusion and distress, in which you feel you’re always avoided because your lack of ability to think correctly and your behaviour leads people to misunderstand you, then you get angry that people avoid you in the first place… Borderline can often feel like you’re bleeding to death, emotionally.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is an American term, the European term is Emotionally Unstable (EUPD), (personality disorders Axis II). I was diagnosed with BPD/EUPD in my teens. Borderline people are very vulnerable and over react to stress, to the point of becoming hysterical, I can only describe these things in my own way, as we’re all different even with the same disorder. Our relationships would be like a “love – hate” thing, but really, it’s always love, even though we may get frustrated with the person, a kind of shield, to hide our fears. We would see certain people such as professionals who we are referred to for help, as our “rescuers”. But if any problems occur, we would consider them as “bad” until the problems are resolved (bad but not in a personal way of course). Thus, some professionals would like to avoid us, as we tend to overly look up to them in the first place, I call it respect but over the top, without realising it, or rather I’d think it’s normal. At the time we do not realise the feelings and affects our behaviour has on people. But the answer is not to avoid us, as that wouldn’t make sense, and unfair on us of course, imagine if it was the same for any other mental disorder, nobody would be receiving professional help if they were all avoided.

We would try so hard (not in a physical way) to avoid any kind of abandonment or rejection, trying to please people, to make sure we’re not disliked. I have always felt abandoned throughout my life, which is quite upsetting seeing as abandonment is the biggest thing we fear. Due to this fear, its vital that people find the patience to try and understand us fully and tolerate us basically, to reassure the Borderline that they will not be abandoned or rejected as we always assume that we will be, so we display this fear through anger instead. We attach too easily. Every Borderline sufferer is different regarding abandonment and attachment, for me personally, it’s not so much the attachment of people as such, not in a personal way, no, it’s more like the attachment to the feeling of someone finally understanding you and able to talk to even in general terms, it could be anyone. That’s one thing that some people are unclear about, even some professionals, it’s not the attachment to the person it’s the attachment to the feelings of being at ease with a person, any person, the attachment of the satisfaction being able to talk in length to the person, to feel understood and not feel abandoned as such, abandoned meaning no more chance to feel at ease talking or the pleasure of feeling understood. I hope I’m making sense, basically for me personally, it’s not attachment as in becoming attached to the actual person, no, it’s the attachment of feeling reassured if you like.

There are certain medications that are said to be “miracle” workers, I have no idea why some people would use the term “miracle”, but then again it works for some people, but not for others, everyone is different. All side effects are unfortunate, seeing that doctors will not consider telling you. For some people medications can relieve them of their distress over a period of time. One of the most serious long-term side effects of psychiatric medications is something called Tardive Dyskinesia (TD). It causes unpredictable and repetitive movements etc. The types of Psychiatric medications are:

* Anxiolytics
* Stimulants
* Mood stabilisers
* Depressants
* Anti-psychotics
* Anti-depressants

I was reading something recently by an American doctor who specialises in the long term successful treatment of Borderline, he says…

“Borderlines are victims, and they did not cause their illness. They do not want their illness. They want to be treated and possibly cured. They deserve that opportunity.”

With Borderlines’ suicide attempts and psychotic episodes, they can be briefly hospitalised, but I’ve never been hospitalised, not in this country anyway. Here, I’m told, it would not be beneficial for me, but what’s more beneficial, being alone and dangerous when these “psychotic” episodes are present, or being in a hospital receiving some form of help for that short period of time ? Some people see Borderline differently from other mental disorders. In times of crisis, it can be a threatening scenario depending on the Borderlines mood or their inability in controlling their anger. Some people only want to “see” how you feel, not be told how you feel. It’s always vital to try and understand how Borderlines think and feel. I often feel I get no understanding whatsoever from anyone, that’s what I assume, and yes sometimes it’s true, not everyone can begin to understand me fully, quite simply people say my only problem is “my temper”, they do not ask themselves “but where does this temper come from”, and “why”. Sometimes, Borderline people will accuse you of “hating” them for no reason, even for something trivial, for example, if someone forgot to phone me up, I would automatically feel “that person hates me now”, also if someone forgot to meet me at a certain time for example, I would automatically feel “oh no I have been abandoned, they hate me now”.

Many people don’t see Borderline as a “real” condition, which is frustrating and simply ignorant and basically leaves us as “outsiders” really, we’re discriminated against by people saying “its not important, just take some tablets, get a job, get on with your life and you’ll forget about it soon enough”. If it was that easy to go out into the world, get a job and work alongside people without feeling like killing them, then I for one would have done that years ago. If something dramatically affects your life and mental well being on an almost daily basis, then yes it is a “REAL” mental disorder. Hundreds of research studies and thousands of clinical papers provide evidence that Borderline is a serious long-term, diagnosable and valid psychiatric illness. Some people may claim that Borderline doesn’t exist for several reasons, here’s one reason, they may not have kept up to date with the research and are often misinformed themselves, if it doesn’t exist, that means the constant symptoms don’t exist, the very same symptoms that are listed in the DSM that professionals are so interested in, in order to diagnose it, at the same time saying it doesn’t exist ? If Borderline disorder doesn’t exist, I don’t know what other diagnostic disorder category that it could be listed as. Some professionals hesitate working with Borderlines, they find them difficult and rather exhausting, they cannot just choose who they want to treat and who not, or who will be easy as a patient and who may not. Borderline people do not choose their life of being problematical, if others understood the Borderlines fragile emotions, their sensitivity, and sudden mood changes, then there would be less of a need for the Borderline to battle with people in order to defend themselves emotionally. A greater understanding would also create a lesser life of being “problematical” due to constantly being misunderstood. Hopeful new studies get ignored by some people though.

Borderlines can often be unaware of the affects that their actions have on other people at the time, and can sometimes have an inability to understand rules and regulations, etc or maybe not want to accept them. Borderlines have many uncertainties on things like career choices, self-image, and confusions in who they really are, what they really want, etc. I fantasise too much, live in a dream world, a non-realistic mind. Anyway, you see my point, instead of me focusing my attention on one career choice, I focus my attention on all of them at the same time, because I have a desire for them all, e.g mental health work, caring for people, but also I like journalism, so its an uncertainty, confusion, its like “I want all of them, or none at all”, maybe that’s why I have wasted most of my life being indecisive and stubborn, that’s why I always have a desire for certain life decisions being made for me.

I found this line quite interesting, by Otto Kernberg (psychoanalyst and professor of psychiatry):

“Borderlines can describe themselves for five hours without your getting the picture of what they’re really like.”

Borderlines alternate between idealisation and devaluation, also known as “splitting”. Seeing people as “all good” one minute, and then when something happens to change their minds, they’re then seen as “all bad”.

When I’m at home, in a moment of real anger, it’s so chaotic, bang doors, throw things, break things, shout, swear, threaten and so on. It takes me a very long time to calm down, I could go through a period of silence, which can last up to a week, or two weeks maximum where I would not talk to anybody at all or go out, I would just hide away in my room.

My behaviour has ruined many opportunities for me in life over the years, the only thing that I did not ruin was my exams, and I knew I had to get down to business when the time came for my exams before leaving school. But after that, I ruined the opportunity of work experience in the place I always wanted (an art gallery), also messed up my chances of going to art college. I’m very indecisive, and when the time comes, I panic, and I’m not always so mature, I just let opportunities pass me by without realising how important they are. I feel my concentration and memory lacks the more I become unable to cope with life. I think that some people have an idea of personality disorder sufferers of being unintelligent, but as I know, it’s quite the opposite. I know some people find it hard to put their talents into practise, I know I do. What I end up doing is just day dreaming, just dreaming about doing something big, being remembered. I just let my mind drift away. I know I have always had a childish kind of unrealistic mind, but very serious at the same time, if that makes sense.

Because of my incorrect way of thinking and disrupted childlike mind, the following statement will show people how my mind works, in order to see things put right, “some people need to be physically forced to understand what Borderlines go through, some people need to be physically forced to see other people as equals, and if not, they need to be severely punished and tortured”. That statement clearly portrays my way of thinking and how I feel about peoples misunderstandings regarding Borderline. Obviously my way of thinking is disrupted, that’s why the statement seems violent and threatening. It’s a defence, people with unstable emotions and disrupted ways of thinking would see nothing wrong in speaking that way. People who are involved with Borderline sufferers must be prepared to try and understand their behaviours and to know they’re not intentional and try to work alongside them, its vital that there is greater knowledge gained about the sufferers disorder, each sufferer is different even though the same disorder, therefore don’t just try understand the disorder in general, you must also try understand each person with the disorder, not just the disorder itself. Obviously if the person is physically violent towards people then there should be another approach. But not all sufferers are physically violent, but to prevent that from happening, there should be compromises and trust worked upon from the start. The first thing that would help greatly, is that people should never keep sufferers in the dark, meaning keep them informed of what’s happening, for example in regards to their care, don’t just assume they know what’s going on. Keep them clearly informed on all aspects of their care, without misinformation from one person to the next, communication is the key, and keep to the plan, if not, the Borderline becomes confused, paranoid and assumes all kinds of negativity thus triggering their anger and abandonment fears, which then in turn works against them. The anguish felt by Borderlines is often seen as “attention seeking” by other people, how can suffering be described as attention seeking ? How can frequent suicidal thoughts and actions be attention seeking ? You wouldn’t call someone with clinical depression attention seeking would you ? Or if a person did commit suicide, you can’t say “oh they were just attention seeking”. This attention seeking thing that people accuse Borderlines of needs to stop, it’s a stigma in itself. Why is it only Borderlines that get called attention seekers and not other mental disorders ? You may never know, while being called an attention seeker, that may be the one time that they do actually commit suicide. Suicidal feelings and actions are not attention seeking, your moment of crisis is not trivial, but in a way it is an attention for serious help, the same as a schizophrenic for example has their “episode”, so do Borderlines, there should be no “level” of seriousness, it can’t be looked at that way, your crisis is a crisis, simple as that basically. Borderlines can describe this feeling in detail and not be surprised that no one else would ever be able to understand it completely. A crisis is a crisis, no matter how one looks at it, it’s you going through that bad moment again, that “episode”, but what’s worse, someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing, or someone that knows what they’re doing ? There should be no “level” of crisis, none of this “well that disorder looks worse than another disorder”. The person that knows what they’re doing, go through it on an almost daily basis than the person that doesn’t know what they’re doing for a brief period of time.

Borderlines have the fear of their own anger and fear the inability to control it along with their moments of crisis, I relate to that very much. I can see myself being extremely angry one moment, depressed the next, and into extreme panic, not necessarily in that order. But normally, I’m down to earth, friendly, polite, kind, fun to be with and a great laugh, but it’s a different story as soon as people make me angry. I always find myself in the same situation. Situations that have already occurred, I find myself hearing sentences that have already been said, my life seems like a constant state of déjà vu, which is very confusing.

In my younger school days, teachers would simply call me “problematical” without asking what the problem was in the first place. So you see, even as a child having various problems, there is still a lot of misunderstanding and ignorance by adults, there should always be some mental health awareness in schools, as this would reduce children’s mental health problems escalating into adulthood. Seems so sad that children with various problems have to continue to suffer these problems alone.

When somebody is involved with a Borderline, and interacting with them, it is vital to understand that their accusations and assumptions are very different from anybody else’s. Therefore it’s crucial to learn that the Borderline does not mean what they do or say. It would be their defensive thinking taking over. Some of their defensive thinking, accusations and assumptions would even be taken out on the people they admire the most. Here are a few examples below of how a Borderline may think:

“If I’m not liked, loved or cared for by certain people, then I must be worthless.”
“Some people are good and perfect in all they do and other people are bad and should be severely punished.”
“Nobody cares about me even though I care very much about them. I always lose the people I care about.”
“If somebody has treated me badly, that means I’ am a bad person. If I’ am told that I’ am a failure, then it must be true.”
“I will be happy if I find a person that will take care of me and love me for who I’ am. But if I find that person, then something must be wrong with them because nobody would love me anyway.”
“I hate the anger and sadness that I feel when I want to be cared for from somebody that I admire and they can’t or won’t do that for me.”
“It’s everybody else’s fault that I’ am always angry, they purposely provoke me to test my breaking point.”
“If somebody is nice, friendly, and they like me, then they must be pretending to and planning to do something to hurt me.”
“That person looked at me the wrong way for no reason, now I must start a war with them, and get revenge.”
“This person seems to like me, so I must upset them for my own defence, to test their loyalty and patience, then see if they really will abandon me as I expect them to.”

The above examples are also my way of thinking. Other people that I have spoken to also confirm that this is their way of thinking, not all, and not just by Borderlines, but people suffering other personality disorders (depends on which particular disorder). Our mind may need to be retrained, in order for emotions to function properly. Borderline can consist of other disorders or vice versa, most generally on the same themes, not always though.

Generally, the Borderlines behaviour would normally fall into two categories, referred to as, “acting in” and “acting out”. “Acting in” is seen as the Borderline person hurting themselves, but non-Borderlines are also affected by “acting in” behaviours. “Acting out” is seen as the Borderline person throwing their pain and anger onto somebody else. I see myself as “acting out” first, then after events have taken place, I would then be “acting in”. My “acting out” behaviour would be anything from accusing people to threatening people, then my “acting in” behaviour would be present, anything from blaming myself to harming myself. Many Borderlines may find it very difficult to form stable relationships, even close friendships. Below is a list of thoughts, feelings and behaviours that may indicate BPD in a person, these signs must be persistent / long standing in order for a diagnosis to be made:

* Alternating between seeing a person as either good or bad, and finds it hard to remember good things about the person you’re seeing as “bad” at the time.
* Difficulty in finding anything negative about a person you’re seeing as “perfect” or whoever you look up to.
* Alternating between seeing people as completely with you, or completely against you.
* Alternating between seeing yourself as either perfect or worthless.
* Finds it difficult to admit mistakes or even sees everything you do as a mistake.
* You base your beliefs on feelings instead of facts.
* Difficulty realising the effects that your behaviour has on people.
* Would feel abandoned at the slightest provocation.
* Quick and extreme mood cycles.
* Finds it difficult to manage emotions.
* May blame yourself for things that are not your fault.
* Seems to live in a negative world, and may expect others to agree with you.
* Very suspicious and distrusts people a lot of the time.
* Expresses anger inappropriately or have difficulty expressing anger at all.
* Feels “unreal”, “not all there”, and “out of it” frequently.
* Has difficulty in being aware of other people’s limits.
* Acting on impulse, which can be self damaging. (e.g. drug / alcohol abuse, reckless driving, gambling, inappropriate sex, fighting, etc.)
* Mutilate yourself, threaten to kill yourself and make actual attempts.
* Alternating in a way to make other people feel they can never do anything right by the Borderline sufferer.
* Has unpredictable, frightening, and extreme rages, sometimes having no logical reason.
* Wish to be close to somebody, but then would distance yourself.
* Verbally abuses others to the point of brutality.
* Can have severe dissociative symptoms. (may include derealisation, losing contact with external reality, day dreaming, inability to remember what they said or did).

Some people notice that BPD sufferers have an ability to read people and uncover their true meanings. Borderlines are intelligent, creative and artistic, but may have difficulty in applying their talents when needed.

When alone or lonely, it can be a very difficult time for the Borderline, I myself find it hard to cope when alone or even when not alone, but we / I also have trouble remembering the good times of the people I’m missing when alone, I can only think of negative things, e.g. I would think that bad things are going to happen to the person I’m missing, thinking I may never see them again, etc, and it is extremely stressful, when I get into that phase, I find it hard to get out of it unless I inflict harm upon myself or do something drastic to make me forget about the stress of being alone. Yet, when I’m not alone, I ironically wish to be alone. People have this idea that Borderlines are annoying people, because of the Borderlines persistence in things like – checking that people still like them and care about them, reassurance, I know that I always have to try make sure that I’m not disliked, or even to make sure I’m not getting on peoples nerves or to make sure that people are not bored with me “yet”. But at the same time, I do not know that I’m “annoying” people, it’s just other people’s way of seeing it, to me it is an insecurity that I have. I know that I’m never aware when I put people in no-win situations. I assume other sufferers feel the same as me when these certain situations arise. I also at times accuse people of controlling or brainwashing me. My behaviour tends to put people always on edge. People who know me are always cautious in what they say, scared in case I go “mad” whenever they say something wrong. I don’t like people to be that way with me, it’s not fair on them at all, and it makes me feel so guilty.

Not all of my abusive behaviour is a means to hurt people, no, most times its just my primitive way of expressing fear, pain and sadness, its my only way to respond, my only defence mechanism, because I have not learned to respond in any other way. I always care about others rather than myself first. I may have grown up believing that I’m not important in any way, so obviously when one grows older, they literally believe whatever they were observing as a child. For example, when I was a child and I saw people continuously hurting other people, then obviously I will grow up believing that it’s normal to hurt other people. Many people feel that Borderlines are devious, manipulative, and people who like to just blackmail others. But if you study quite carefully, you will see that the Borderlines are just acting in such a way out of pure fear and desperation. Also the fact that Borderline people may self-harm is not to “manipulate” people, but as a kind of self-punishment, and not a punishment unto others, well that’s my personal view at least.

I read this comment recently, which puts it quite clearly…

“People with BPD do influence others, such as through the threat of impending suicide or through communications of intense pain and agony. But this, by itself, is not evidence of manipulation. Otherwise, we would have to say that people in pain or crisis are “manipulating” us if we respond to them.”

Borderlines do not manipulate intentionally, in fact if I was, I would not even realise I was actually doing it unless I was told so. There is no “in the middle” of things with Borderlines, well with me anyway, its either “all black” or “all white”, “all” or “nothing”, there is no “in between” in anything. So for example I care about people and admire them for the good things they can do, I’d want to please them, speak highly of them, and show great respect to them, but God forbid if a problem occurred, then these people would seem in my eyes as bad until the problem is resolved. Yet at the same time, it’s still hard to dislike the person, it would seem impossible, even though I would pretend to dislike them. And that’s quite a strange thing. I would still have difficulty in finding any negativity about them.

I only have one way of thinking a lot of the time, and it makes me paranoid and frustrated. For example, if I had a job and an error occurred for whatever reason, then my reaction would be “oh no I’m leaving right now, I don’t want to work anymore”. Or if its something that happened outside, my immediate reaction would be “oh no I’m never going out anymore.” Even at home, almost everything I do affects me immediately, e.g. I forget to check the door to see if its locked, my immediate reaction is “oh no I never checked the door, something bad is going to happen now”, or if I forgot to check the cooker to make sure its all off after using it, again my reaction would be, “oh no I forgot to check the cooker, we are all going to blow up now in a big explosion”, also for example, if I have a headache, my immediate reaction is “oh no I have a headache that means I’m going to die or my head is bleeding internally because I have a headache”, or if I have a pain in my chest, immediately I think “oh no I have a pain in my chest, I’m going to die from a heart attack now”. Its all about using only one response, the only response that causes panic immediately, scared of taking risks, letting everything to work in their own time, and relaxing for once, instead of jumping to conclusions, making assumptions, and trying not to always think “oh no this and that is going to happen now, I should never have taken that risk”.

When I’m with loved ones, people I care about, or people in general whom I admire and respect, professionals etc, I feel wanted, cared for, and even safe. But as soon as I’m out of reach of these people, then life can become unbearable, then I start to feel abandoned (no fault of theirs), unwanted, in danger, etc. I also start to feel that these people hate me in some way because they can’t always “be there”. But it’s a common enough attribute to the Borderline. It’s that same old “all” or “nothing” statement, and when I think about it, I feel guilty and selfish, yet I cannot help feeling that way about people, feeling dependant (not in a personal way towards people) and vulnerable. I think I have a hard time realising that everybody has to be alone at some point in their lives, whether short-term or long-term, and I also have a hard time realising that not everybody has got to like me or spend time with me. We can’t force people to be friends, or to help us or spend time with us. There is also a risk of being abandoned for trying to please people to the point were it becomes excessive and unappealing. I know it cannot be easy for non-BPD people, I commend their courage funnily enough, even though it can be very upsetting for the Borderline. I find it hard to face reality, as I know reality can be terrifying, but obviously cant be stopped, that’s where my feeling of constant crisis’ stems from, always on edge, waiting for these terrible things to happen, trying to be prepared for it.

We find it very hard to trust people, although I trust professionals, and confide in them with whatever is on my mind. Sometimes I feel like “oh no those people have to leave now, that means I have nobody to confide in or talk to, I’m vulnerable now in the real world, something might happen to me, I might be in danger or something”- basically that’s how it feels. I would not actually admit feeling frightened, or admit that I fear abandonment, I would show it through anger instead, or simply write it down on paper. I use my anger to hide my tears as I never want to appear “weak”, even though I may be one of the weakest people ever in admitting my fears, actually as I stated before, the most important reason why I would not show my emotions or to just sit there and cry in front of people is that I actually think people may laugh at me or reject me in comfort, so I express it through anger instead. And after a while, one grows up to actually only express anger and not their true sadness in front of people. I don’t know how to express sadness and fear in front of people, as I have spent too much time converting it into anger, that in itself is quite sad actually. Borderlines have an ability to look “normal”, while inside they may be actually dying of emotional distress. I’m always frustrated when people say to me “you look ok, there’s nothing wrong with you”, I think to myself “if only you could see through my mind and my private life, it would be a great help”. But again, can anyone define the word “normal”. Only people who have spent a considerable amount of time with a BPD sufferer can actually distinguish the Borderlines dysfunctional ways.

Actually I was saying about trusting people, well sometimes, it’s in phases, e.g I’d go through a phase of trusting anyone and everyone and then a phase of trusting no one whatsoever. And no matter what I do always feel vulnerable.

There’s this thing were I cannot seem to tell the difference between what is real and acceptable and what is not. It may seem like a delusion or a dissociation thing in some ways.

Life can seem like a constant crisis. My emotional distress is universal a lot of the time, I feel its my duty to change things, it’s just my mind thinking unrealistically as usual, I say to myself “ok, its up to me to destroy power and free the people of their sorrow around the world, and I have to get rid of all crime and criminals, get rid of them my way, then society will be safe.” It’s like I’d be getting into trouble for trying to do right, but in the wrong way, that’s how my mind works. I just cant stand people being wronged and I always try stand up for people being wronged or if someone else upset whoever, that kinda thing, it upsets me and I’d go into a rage at the time when seeing certain situations like that, e.g if I saw bullying, or if I saw someone abusing vulnerable people… That kinda thing which people might come across in general society around them.

In the past I’ve noticed some professionals are put off with working alongside a Borderline sufferer, because of the Borderlines constant demands and changing of moods. But generally it’s important for doctors, etc, to show that support will always be there for them in times of crisis, that’s the most important thing, letting the Borderline know that their negativity will be turned into positivity in time. Borderlines must always see that help is there for them and not be ignored in crisis. Because some people may think to themselves “oh that person is not in a crisis, they always act as though they are”. It frustrates me deeply about some peoples attitude, we are in a crisis now, not next week or the week after, but now ! Imagine if it was the same for people with physical problems, treated the same way as some Borderlines are treated.

I do care, deep down, I do feel for people even though my moods and behaviours seems like I don’t… I remember in my school days, I was bullied for a little while at junior school, and then I myself bullied pupils at secondary school. I was bullying the pupils that were bullying others, (hypocritical indeed). I remember one particular boy, he was a few years younger than me, he was always getting bullied because he had some learning difficulties. I never saw him with any friends, and that made me feel so guilty because I was always popular, a rebel kind of pupil as they would describe me. Anytime this boy was bullied, I would walk away from my “gang” and go to keep him company instead, he was very shy, and funnily enough, I was shy too away from my friends. I remember on several occasions when he was bullied, he would find me and sit with me, whether it was in the playground or in the actual building in between lessons. I used to say to myself “he looks so sad, why won’t he tell me anything ? I want to kidnap him from his problems and I will look after him properly instead”, he actually wanted to run away with me to London, but I said no in case I got into trouble for kidnapping or something. I cannot remember his name, but whoever he is, I hope he’s doing well now. I wonder what he was thinking of me anytime he saw me upset, angry or getting into trouble in school ?

As I look back on my life, there are lots of children that I came across, whom I wanted to just kidnap and look after properly, when I say kidnap, what I mean is to just take them away from their life of problems. But that’s strange to say, because in reality I don’t actually know how to act around children. I’m shy around children most times, and I become nervous, thinking, “I wonder what they think of me, am ‘I acting in the right way, do they find me fun to be with or not”? I have no real experience with children, and often they can get on my nerves and annoy me, but I know they’re children just doing what children generally do, I know I have a short temper, really short I should say.

The name “Borderline” is something that many sufferers would like to be changed, the label just sees itself as meaning “living on the border of psychosis / neurosis”, this is a common generalisation, that’s like saying “we’re nearly suffering”. Also, there has been proof of some doctors in the past believing that a diagnosis of Borderline should only be made according to how severe the symptoms are. That should not be the case. A diagnosis should be made entirely on the symptoms / feelings, and how long they have been present, and not on how “severe” the symptoms are, there should be no level of severity, the disorder itself is severe enough to live with. There are also “hidden” symptoms of the disorder, symptoms that are not in the “symptoms list” as I call it, missing symptoms does not mean the person should not be diagnosed with a particular disorder, I know that doesn’t make sense, but I can’t explain what I mean properly. A personality disorder sufferer does not mean they only suffer one disorder, and should not only be diagnosed with “either this or that”.

Sometimes, hospitalisation can benefit Borderline sufferers, not all though, but anything is a benefit when being in a safe environment and all, and knowing that people are there to help when the sufferer cannot cope for a period of time, and so on. Short term hospital treatment is more healthier for them than long-term hospitalisation.

Borderline is a terrifying thing, along with other personality disturbances, its all extremely damaging, it can literally damage people, a psychological destruction which leads to physical destruction. When people hear anything about BPD, they commonly think “oh this person must have been emotionally or physically abused as a child, that explains why they’re always angry, etc”, that’s so stereotypical, there’s a lot more to it than those assumptions, even though the assumptions are right, but there’s more to it than that. There are other factors. When the Borderline enters into extreme stress mode, dysphoria and psychosis, then neuroleptics can be used, but only at the time when needed, and with a great deal of caution. Some medications can make the Borderline worse, like Elavil or Xanax. As well as medications, therapy is also needed, long-term psychological treatment is vital. It’s almost never possible to live as a Borderline without treatments of that kind.

Do people really know what goes on in a Borderlines mind ? It’s like this, imagine you’re faced with a minor upset, something trivial like someone forgot to phone you or something. Instead of just letting it pass by as something that happens all the time to everybody, well, what a Borderlines first response to that minor misunderstanding is to go into immediate panic mode, and the “black and white” way of thinking. The Borderline becomes irritable, on edge, and anxious. Then the increasing anger sets in, soon it will turn into a rage. Lastly, the experiences (called Dysphoria) that the Borderline is having at that moment can remain up to several hours. At the same time, the Borderline will start to remember all the bad and hurtful things that has ever happened to them. That’s like living a constant nightmare for the sake of something trivial, can you imagine that happening to you on a regular basis ? Imagining every bad emotion you have ever felt, constantly. I don’t know how people can always survive that. I say to myself “I’m amazed that I have not committed suicide yet, what am ‘I waiting for all these years” ? The feeling and thought of suicide is always there, even though the attempts are not regular. Well, after what seems like an eternity, the Borderline eventually calms down. But the most terrifying thing about it is actually not knowing when it will happen all over again, maybe several hours later, or maybe that evening / night, or if you’re lucky, maybe the next couple of days. That’s my point, there is no power to control those experiences time after time, how can you ever relax and feel “normal”, knowing that your family and friends know how you can become almost instantly ?

In severe periods of Dysphoria, the Borderline may go into self harm mode (seems to feel no pain at that moment in time, until afterwards), it’s a general means of escaping what they’re suffering most at the time, not just cutting themselves, that’s just one example, but Borderlines will try anything just to make them feel “normal” again, for that moment at least, it’s also a means to punish ourselves, yet at the end of the day, the people around you say “you get angry for no reason, you have to control yourself.”

Not all sufferers have Borderline because of bad childhoods and upbringings, etc, there are some who developed it because of a head injury, infections in the brain, or epilepsy. It’s not just an emotional illness, it can develop by other means also, because Borderline can present medical abnormalities, and it’s a certain possibility concerning the brain’s chemicals.