Train Station & Broadoak

So, I was in one of my crisis moments again. Haven’t been coping for a while. Wednesday (6th Apr) I was determined to get rid of myself. I went to the train station, went to the empty area of the platform on the end. Someone working there noticed my arm/wrist bleeding and realised why I was standing on the edge and he called the police. So I was stopped again wanting to jump in front of the train and was self harming and the police wouldn’t let me go. Was with them all day.They took a knife, razor and pills from me (I’ve yet to know if I’ll be charged for having the knife). I was restrained, had a struggle with them especially taking the knife from me. I was eventually taken to hospital after a couple of hours with the police, I was still insisting to end it all. Then I self harmed again in front of the police so they took another razor off me, so that was another struggle with them so I was handcuffed. Then another struggle later on when I tried to run away. Then me and the 2 policemen were having discussions about serial killers and the Incredible Hulk, I know, it’s a strange combination. It’s because when the other police went to my house looking for me and spoke to my mum, while I was still in hospital, they saw all my Incredible Hulk and serial killer stuff at home.

Was still in hospital at this time, been there since just before 5pm and still there after 1am. They were waiting to send me to Broadoak unit, as no beds in Clock View or anywhere. I was dreading it in Broadoak. I was also told that some other police went to my house and spoke to mum while I was still in hospital with the police that caught me.

I feel like such a big hassle to Mersey Care services. It makes me feel guilty. I’m still insisting to end it all and the police were still with me. Finally I was taken to Broadoak at after 2am I think. I got to the ward, and actually stood in the corridor for about an hour because a staff member said she was going to show me where I’d be sleeping, no one came back to speak to me to show me, about an hour later though. It’s like I was put into a building, and just left there in the corridor not knowing where to go or anything, I couldn’t see anyone around, it was after 2am but I didn’t see any staff anywhere, I thought “huh do I just stand here in the corridor until the morning then”… I dislike this ward. I really dislike it to the point of desperately wanting to leave dead if I have to.

The sharing of the room with 5 others in close proximity is something I can’t deal with, I keep thinking I will strangle them when they’re asleep. I feel intimidated, unsafe and scared, scared of what I’d do to them and myself, as it somehow seemed so easy to do something in this place compared to previous places I’ve been. It was easier to self harm, which I did, and eventually they found 4 razors with me, I was also about to strangle myself, within that time, no staff were around anyway, this is what I mean when I say things seemed so easy to do, and just simple things really such as if I needed to ask something, for example I enquired about my inhaler if it was available yet, as doctor said it would be, but I gave up in the end, I can’t keep asking about something if they don’t want to answer me, that would be weird wouldn’t it. There’s only so many times I can knock on the staff room door to ask if I can have my inhaler now, I kinda get the message after while that they don’t open the door to answer me, kinda weird when other staff are the ones who tell me to knock on the staff room door. Who needs to breathe anyway, it’s only an inhaler after all right !  Anyway, I always get the message in the end, well after a while, I’m kinda slow like that, but I get it in the end it’s like “oh ok, now I understand, it means they don’t want to talk to me obviously”. It doesn’t make me angry, just kinda upset that people treat me that way, yet at the same time they treat others normally. Actually speaking of things like inhalers, I think they (staff) should let people use it when they need it, not just give it to them once in the morning and once at night, what if someone can’t breathe during the day too of course.

I can’t go home so what other alternative is there. The way some of the staff talk to people is wrong, their attitude, compared to other staff I’ve encountered in the past. I’ve seen it with other people too, I always observe things in any situation, I don’t like when anyone is treated with the wrong attitude, and it seems so easy to put yourself in danger as staff wouldn’t realise anyway. Someone from Mersey Care PALS team came to the ward to speak to me and I told them how I feel. And later on in the day I spoke to them on the phone also, I was in tears expressing how I’m feeling in the place, saying I will leave, either dead or alive. I said how I was just about to strangle myself but I wanted to speak to them on the phone first. I even phoned the out of hours number that CPN gave me, and it only went through to the next ward ! Then a staff came to the ward saying why am I phoning that number for help ? I said because I was told to phone that number, and because no one here can give me even 1 minute, even a second to help me through this suicidal moment. I was desperate to leave the ward dead or alive, to be elsewhere, anywhere but here, and anywhere but home though.

UPDATE: Friday, after 2pm, I requested again, desperately to leave this ward, I saw the doctor again, basically I told them the opposite of how I was still feeling, just so that I could leave. They were worried about safety and risks if I go back home and I said I’ll be ok, even though I know I still won’t be. But I had to say that so I could just leave Broadoak that’s why. The doctor also spoke to my mum as she visited me at the time. The doctor said stepped up care will be put in place.

Now, still feeling like I did on Wednesday, but there’s nothing I can do about it, I can’t cope at home, but have no choice.