I simply have to write how I’m feeling. The title of this post sums it up perfectly. There are so many things I have to deal with but I’m dealing with things alone.
So, silently not coping, a clever title, but an awful reality for me, I know how I’m becoming again, and it scares me. I don’t know who I can confide in for advice or support in some way, or just someone to listen really.
I now attend a psychotherapy-education group for 10 weeks, but it is not the kinda setting for me to just start talking about how I’m not coping as if it’s a 1 to 1 session.
Well what is on my mind as usual these days, what’s getting me down, worrying about bank debts, which brings on my depressive mode, which then brings on my suicidal actions as usual. I was getting so desperate I was actually going to pretend to the bank that I’ve died so that they will forget about what I owe them (2,500), it’s been like that for over a year now, I told my mum my plan and as usual she knows how stupid I’am in my irrational moments, and I thought of running away as if they can’t find me. I still have those options, and the ultimate thing is to take my life because I see no way out of this and that’s how I always feel anyway (suicidal) regardless of anything financial… Now I know when the time comes, not to tell anyone this time (whenever I feel suicidal). I tried different ways before and now I know my method, strangulation, last time I done it, my mum walked in the room, I thought she was already asleep but she wasn’t. So these days I plan the details.
What else is on my mind, my police case, I’ve written about this in my previous posts. So as usual that is worrying me and my mum still doesn’t know, and I want to run away. I feel sorry for my mum, because of my moods and she doesn’t know why, I’m shouting at her more and taking my frustrations out on her and it upsets her and that upsets me. I never show my emotions in front of people, only when I’m on my own in my room, then I’m the real me, meaning I can only show my emotions to myself, I can just have a little cry.
I’ve always been convinced that the great Abraham Lincoln talks to me, I don’t know why I think that, but to me it’s real, and because since childhood I’ve had a fascination about this great figure. The fact that I’m convinced he somehow talks to me, it doesn’t trouble me at all, in fact I welcome it. but what is troubling me, is other voices I hear recently and still seeing this shadow figure that I always see, so they’re becoming more frequent, I don’t tell people in detail because what’s the point, professionals know how I feel anyway, just thinking at what point does it become a concern as it is to me, and all the serial killer stuff, that’s all still there in my mind even though I’ve not talked about it for a little while.
I’m still suicidal as usual these couple of weeks and no one to express this to. I’m still self harming, but these days I have this thought in my mind that I’d like to just stab my head or my neck once and for all. Basically, I think it’s safe to say I’ve not been feeling right since leaving hospital last month. I’ve expressed this to the relevant persons, but to no avail.
Many other things on my mind, I don’t want to explain them all to be honest, because it’s the same as always (all to do with my Borderline). Let’s just say… I’m not coping… Help ?
Borderlines hardly get a fair deal like other mental disorders. This needs to change for people.
Mind With A View 