Isolation can be described in so many ways, as we’re all different and experience isolation differently. For me isolation is like being in an empty room without a door, but then again it’s also like standing alone in the corner of a room full of people, that’s what isolation feels like to me. Loneliness, isolation and feeling alone, but loneliness doesn’t necessarily mean you’re alone. But I confuse myself sometimes, even though I live with my mum, I still actually feel alone too, aswell as lonely, and isolated. I stay in my room 99% of the time. And the only time I have proper conversations with people, is when I see the mental health professionals that deal with me. 
Why do I always feel so isolated ? What is the root cause and why have I been this way for many many years ? I can say that one reason is because I feel I don’t belong anywhere, in any social situation, people just don’t want to interact with me, I actually feel like people avoid me, and this goes for online too, and if people are aware of my mental health conditions, they avoid me more, that’s how it feels. And so, when things like this happen, and yes it has happened throughout the years, it has made me lose social skills to a point. I feel excluded, isolated, lonely, and alone, people don’t want to give me a chance to get to know me. I feel some people blatantly treat me differently than they treat other people, it makes me feel inferior, as if everyone is better than me, I’m just nothing, ignore me, I don’t care anyway, treat me differently, I don’t care, make me feel worthless, avoid me… I don’t care anymore anyway, that’s what I’d say to people. It hurts me actually, but hey, what do they care. I wouldn’t treat others like that though, oh but then again I feel like I’m starting to dislike and ignore all these people who treat me like that actually.
I often feel like hey wouldn’t it be great to share my qualities with people, share laughter, share thoughts, feelings, views, hobbies, interests, passions, love, life, likes, dislikes, anything really – my personality basically. I feel where are those days of the past when I actually had the chance to do these things, only just, but still, you know what I mean.
I have felt isolated for many years, like I don’t belong around people, not accepted, I suppose the feeling became worse when my father passed away (2003), it’s like my social skills began to disappear. And then many years later, my longterm partner (Roger) passed away, then it was like million times worse… Is it me, or is it other people ? I also feel that people hate me because they avoid me. What is making me this way, what is making me not fit in anywhere, in society, around people, what’s it all about, what is missing ? What do I need ? Feeling lonely and isolated is like a silent suffering, it affects me non-stop, mentally and physically. I don’t go out anymore unless I have to for an appointment for example (CPN, GP etc). I don’t bother about myself physically, I have no motivation for anything, I have no interest in the things I love, basically I just don’t do anything anymore. No friends, no one to talk to, no social life whatsoever. I feel my depression and my feeling isolated became worse and so I’ve stopped going out, unless I really have to.
I try and be social, if I do go out, for example if I went the pub, I’d just sit in the corner on my own feeling awkward. There was a time many months ago that I did go out often, and I’d try be social, and try make friends and get to know people, but to no avail, well hardly, nothing worked out for long, e.g I’d go to a pub that I went to often (the Liffey), and people knew me, as they’d see me in there often, and I’d converse with a couple of people regularly, if they spoke to me first though or else I’d be too shy, anyway, it’s like I was being deceived though, the couple of people (men) I used to talk to, only talked to me to try take advantage of me, so I stopped going to that pub after all the time I enjoyed going there (I love Irish pubs). And so I started going to another Irish pub, great atmosphere, I thought yeah I’m sure I can make friends in here… but no, I couldn’t interact, I’m too shy with new people and no one bothered with me either, so I can’t win… So then I thought hey I’ll meet people from online, and see how that goes, try make friends, so I did, hardly lasted, I only met them once or twice, so then I thought oh well, I’ll still go out everyday and just wander around town on my own, at least I was going out… But that was then, nowadays I only go out if I really have to.
I keep thinking is it me or other people ? Is it my lack of social skills that’s making me feel so isolated, or do I really get the feeling people avoid me, don’t want to know me, don’t want to talk to me ?
I feel unwanted. Isolation does things to the mind. It will be the death of me.
Mind With A View 