So, yesterday morning (9th May) was my first time doing some volunteering in Mersey Care NHS FT, it was a big step for me and I finally felt proud of myself. The person who helps me with any volunteer opportunities attended the location with me, just so that I wouldn’t be nervous or shy for my first time doing something like this. So she was brilliant, she’s always so helpful. It was an excellent morning, I learned a lot, great discussions too and I was so pleased with myself, it’s like I achieved something, and the other people there said I done great, and asked if I wanted to do that particular volunteering again. I felt really confident after that, seeing as I was so nervous and shy when I arrived there. And at the end of it all, the lady said she could tell I was glad to attend by the big smile I had on my face. Overall it was excellent, and it really gave me courage to try not let anxiety and shyness always get in the way of the things I could start to be doing in an organisation I feel passionate about. I feel as I’m a service user in Mersey Care, and the support I get (CPN , psychiatrist etc), and also if I carry on volunteering, with all those things together, I’ll be on that journey of recovery, as it’s also helping me try mix with people instead of always being socially anxious and generally shy around new people, and it will give me confidence, and I learn a lot. And most importantly volunteering is about giving back, positiveness, and things like that… sorry I’m not good at explaining what I’m trying to say, but you know what I mean.
Anyway, it was a great morning, I got back home and I felt confident and felt like I achieved something, as it may not seem it to some people but that volunteering was a big step for me. I felt like “yeah I’m gonna tell everyone how great it was”… I felt hurt though a few people who know me I really wanted them to say “well done” or “proud of you” they never, I felt deeply hurt by that 😭 but it doesn’t matter now… And then other people were saying they’re proud of me and I thought “wow, that means a lot to me” and most of them hardly know me, it really did mean a lot to me 😊 It really means a lot when people say things like that to me, as most of my life no one ever used to say those kinda things to me before, as I’ve always believed I’m worthless and not good for anything etc etc. Just goes to show, a few simple words can mean so much.
Things like that remind me of my school days, wanting teachers to feel proud of me for a big achievement, knowing it took a lot for me to achieve something. I was always a step behind all the other kids, when it came to learning, I was a slow learner, as some people would call it, but at the time it’s like if professionals (teachers at the time) felt proud of me, it made a big difference, it’s like “wow these people I look up to, they’re actually proud of me”. And if not, it was like “oh, nevermind then”… I know it sounds silly really. I’ve just always put myself down, and even in my school days, I’d have the need for adults to reassure me that there are things to feel proud of, if that makes sense. Overwhelming insecurity, since childhood. Many people wouldn’t realise these things about me, unless I told them obviously.
I’ll just quickly mention, speaking of shyness and being socially anxious, I remember back in 2000 / 2001 I did some training for the mental health charity Imagine / Mainstream, to become a befriender and other kinds of support work, and did some volunteering for a short time at a place in a day centre in Lark Lane (Liverpool), and around that time I was a service user in Mersey Care too… But what stopped me carrying on that befriender position in Imagine, it was mainly my social anxiety and my shyness, that’s what stopped me. Anyway, just thought I’d mention that, to give you all an idea how long I’ve had that shyness problem and being anxious around new people and new situations, things like that. Even though they said I did great in the training though. When things like shyness and being socially anxious stops you doing things, it really does make one miss out on so many opportunities. But with my shyness I’ve been that way since I was a child, but I’m not really like that if it’s people I really know and they really know me, but it just takes me a long time to feel comfortable around new people and to trust people and really let myself be myself.
Mind With A View 