What’s been happening the past few weeks. Well from the 20th Jan to 5th Feb, I was in a mental health facility (Clock View Hospital, Liverpool). I’ll just explain what lead up to this. January was becoming a difficult time for me, as I explained in my previous post “What’s On My Mind”, this was the month that my partner Roger passed away (27th Jan) few years ago. And so it’s always difficult for me in January. Anyway on the 20th Jan, yet again I was in one of my “mad” moments as I call it. I went to the train station, because first I was thinking I’m going to Wales (where my partner is buried) and I’m going to go to his grave and dig him out and bring him back on the train to Liverpool. As if that’s normal, but in my mind it would be normal to do that. So I was at Central station, as I was first going to get a train to Freshfield, Formby to visit my old residential school, and then come back to get a train at Lime Street to go to Wales (Carmarthenshire)… Well it didn’t quite work out that way. I couldn’t make my mind up whether to go ahead with my journey plans or something else, the something else was to just end it all, as that’s how I was desperately feeling yet again. I’ve felt that way a few times in the train station and so the station police seem to always remember me and keep an eye on me in case I do something.
Ok, so I was at the station, I was yet again, attempting to jump in front of the train, the station police saw how I was acting, anytime the train was coming I’d start walking up to it, on the edge of the platform, you know that kinda thing. The station police literally physically stopped me just as the train was coming. Again, they took me, questioned me, spent hours in the office in the police section of the station and it turns out one of the police men remembered me as he was in same class as me in Shorefields school, and we were talking about the good old days and we had a bit of a laugh, he also remembered that I was in his brother’s karate class when I was a kid with my brother, and I got kicked out because when learning all the karate moves I still didn’t learn the difference between right and left hahaha…
Anyway, they (station police) took me to the Royal Hospital to be assessed, waited an hour, which was fine actually, because previous times it was hours of waiting. Anyway, instead of being assessed there, I overheard them say they’re taking me to a secure place (Clock View Hospital). 
So I was taken there, and waited and was assessed by 3 professionals (psychiatrist etc). For many years in the past anytime I was assessed after being caught doing something, I’d always pretend I’m ok, hence this was the first time I was admitted to hospital because I was telling them how I really feel instead of always saying I’m ok now. I thought to myself, I just have to admit how I’m really feeling this time instead of getting worried if I’m admitted into hospital or not. Ok, so I was assessed and they asked if I agreed to be admitted into that hospital for a while I agreed as I feel it was essential for me at the time. I felt so relieved, the fact that after so many years of always pretending I’m fine anytime I was assessed just because I was scared of being admitted. I felt relieved this time that I was actually admitting to how I’m really feeling.
So, that night, I was eventually taken to a mixed ward, which was fine by me to be honest, but all I was worried about is that the next day I had an appointment with my consultant psychiatrist and I was waiting months for that appointment, and obviously I was going to miss it as I was in hospital now… Anyway, the next day in the afternoon, they transferred me to the other ward (Dee ward) which was all female, which wasn’t really fine by me as I generally don’t get along with females that well for some reason. But overall, the whole process of since being sent to Clock View and the assessment and everything, it was brilliant, I couldn’t say anything less, the whole thing was excellent. As for the whole facility overall, it is an excellent place and everyone has also said this. And previous to my being sent there, I always heard good things about Clock View since it was newly constructed. I remember what used to be around that area, Walton Hospital, as I remember it when I lived on Rice Lane in the 90’s very near that hospital.
So, now I was in the female ward. As always I was shy and quiet, new situation, new people and so on. I didn’t really mix with anyone, but if they spoke to me obviously I’d hold a good conversation. The staff were all nice and friendly and I was shy with them also, I’d only speak if I wanted to ask about something or ask for something, and always polite of course I always say please and thank you etc to people. Everyone else all have conversations with them (staff) all the time but I was always shy and just on my own in my own little world really. But I eventually got involved in conversations with staff and it was interesting and good. So staff were friendly, although I found it quite difficult having a bit of time to speak to any of them if I wasn’t really feeling right, e.g I also self harmed while I was in there a few times, and wanted to end it all again, so I found it quite difficult to have 5 mins to speak to someone, anyone really. So few days passed and it was coming up to the 27th Jan, the day my partner passed away and I was becoming really “mad” (I always use the word “mad” my own way of meaning I’m not coping). I couldn’t find anyone to talk to for a bit, was desperate. I self harmed instead that day. But actually that night when I was almost calming down and I was also mad because some person kept insulting us all, one staff did have a long chat with me that night, she was so helpful and she helped me calm down as I explained I was mad and upset because of the significance of the 27th and she knew, so I thanked her for listening to me.
Anyway, not going to write day to day about it all, but had normal days and had bad days, e.g how I was feeling etc.
I was angry that I didn’t get my antipsychotic medication only 2 weeks later because the psychiatrist didn’t authorise it, and a few other little things like that which got me angry sometimes e.g was supposed to have blood test etc, it wasn’t done, was told had CPN appointment twice, and twice wasn’t even told what time, then told I missed it and so on. One time I waited an hour for my morning inhaler, I kept asking the staff for it, they couldn’t get the key in order to get to the medication room, only certain people can get in that room obviously, and so I waited an hour for the relevant person to get my inhaler, I couldn’t breathe, I was going mad, had panic attack, almost passed out, then was crying (it has to be something really big for me to cry in front of people), then I was shouting so loud everyone in the building was like “what the hell was that” ?? When I shout, I really do shout, it’s like the shout heard around the world… So that time was traumatic for me, thought I was going to die of asthma attack. Staff helped me eventually when they realised and I thanked them, even they said “it’s not right, we should have the key to get inhaler”. The person in charge eventually apologised about it when my mum visited me that day, as my mum explained to the person that when I need inhaler, I really do need inhaler (I’ve had asthma most of my life). I could see how much it pains that person to bring themselves to apologise about it, a particularly patronising person too, saying “well you didn’t die did you, here’s your inhaler now”. I had to say to myself “don’t go mad at what the person just said just then”…
What else happened during my stay at Clock View, well they wanted to move me to another hospital (Broad Oak) I simply said no, and I was very clear about it as I only just got used to being where I was, and I was scared about going the other hospital, I said I’m not going there… Alive !
My brother was admitted to that other hospital (Broad Oak) years ago, he had to stay there months.
The next day my Liaison person from Mersey Care came and spoke to me about it and about things in general being there. And eventually they said I don’t have to move to the other hospital then. I did realise that it’s all about what area a person lives in etc, but still I was scared about going to the other hospital, I wanted to stay at Clock View.
After a while I surprisingly formed a friendship with 2 others there, we laughed, we shouted, and we laughed some more, and it was really good to have 2 regular people to just have general chats with and knowing we all understand each other, the staff didn’t really like the 3 of us always together, as there were a few “mad” moments every now and again. I was always helping one of them as she found it difficult doing certain things, I’m that kinda person helping others, despite how my mind works, and very unpredictable, e.g I could be talking about how much I care about people and the love for the people around me, and then in the same sentence I’d be talking about serial killers and my disturbing thoughts etc.
A few days after me making friends with those 2 others. Another person in there she had a problem with one of the 2 for some reason and so that turned into her having a problem with all of us instead. This person started insulting us and intimidating everyone and staff wouldn’t do anything. Someone said, it’s like she only talks in one tone, like always a shouting tone, that’s the only way she spoke. Me and the other 2 we’d be speaking to each other and this other person would walk over and say “are you talking about me”, so yet another big argument, and that’s how it was everyday. We all complained to staff saying this person is making us all stressed and we can’t do anything back. She insulted me many times and I couldn’t do anything, although I told staff numerous times if she doesn’t stop I swear I’ll… (I won’t say). But staff knew clearly, and how serious I was. Because even though I’m quiet and shy, as soon as I’m angry, it’s an instant switch. One staff said to me “well yes I understand your quietness, it’s the quiet ones you have to watch out for” haha. We would all understand and say nothing if this person couldn’t help what she says, but the difference was, she could help it, meaning it was on purpose and provoking on purpose, that’s the difference. If she couldn’t help it, obviously we’d understand and say nothing… Anyway, one of my friends called the police on this other person because we had enough of her always provoking and wanting to start fights etc. She just insulted us for no reason and wanting us to do something so that we would get in trouble, she insulted almost everyone really, daily basis. One time she was shouting as usual and insulting and there was a leaflet with Mersey Care contact info on it and names of people in charge etc and she started shouting at the Chief Executive and other names on the leaflet, basically she was just shouting and swearing at names on a leaflet and I heard her and I went mad because I’m the kinda person that highly respects and look up to such people in Mersey Care and mental health professionals and so on, so I went mad at her. I told my Liaison person on the phone too, as I explained about this person how she’s making us all feel and I also said about her shouting at Chief Executive and other people, I said to my Liaison person “she’s disrespecting these people, you can’t disrespect them, how dare she disrespect these people (she was shouting at the people in charge, the names on the leaflet), I’m going to teach her some manners, my way…”. The next day all we knew is that she is leaving, so obviously we were all relieved about it.
So, anyway, I’ll explain about my day of being discharged, the few days previously I was getting worried and scared actually that I wasn’t ready to be discharged and nobody was realising just how I was feeling about it. But I was also misinformed, staff said we’ll see how you feel, but the ward manager (the patronising one in the inhaler incident) she said I have to be discharged because there’s nothing we can do for you, despite it took 2 weeks to have my antipsychotics… I believe I was wronged in some way, misinformed, even the other females in the ward said I shouldn’t have to leave if I’m not feeling like I’m ready… My 2 friends were getting upset that I may be discharged 😦 And here’s me getting all upset and worried about being discharged etc, I know I wasn’t going to cope. A person from the Liaison team (Mersey Care) came to visit me quickly that day, to see if they could dissuade the deputy ward manager’s & doctor’s decision, but to no avail, but tried their best, I always commend the Liaison team. I saw the doctor twice after a week at first, and the second time was only for 5 mins, and I explained how I was feeling 😦
And so… I’m back home now (5th Feb) my mum was with me and we got the bus back home and the whole way I was upset and angry and on the bus I went mad at my mum because she didn’t understand my upsetness and everyone looked at me… So, I’m back home, can’t cope, but have to think where do I go from here now, what do I do, what’s next, need to think about things and so on. But at least my mum is pleased I’m back home, and my cat is pleased also. But I can’t cope at home or when I’m outside really, same ol’ thoughts and actions, same ol’ “mad” moments. Very upset I was discharged the way I was so soon, thought I was beginning to do well while there. And upset about being misinformed and not given my medication early enough, as they only gave me it 2 days before I was discharged, and first I was told I didn’t want it, even though I asked for it everyday while I was there in order to keep an eye on side effects ? Sometimes I just don’t know what’s going on anymore, I seem to think people are against me, who is and who isn’t and so on, my mind thinks all kinds when upset.
Overall about my stay in Clock View, the whole facility is excellent, despite my “mad” moments and those incidents I mentioned. I believe it was beginning to help me, but as I said I believe they should have let me stay longer. 
And also I self harmed less than I did at home too, even though I did self harm a few times yes (arm and neck), but at least it was less than I would do at home though.
My blog post today has also just reminded me, the police phoned me a couple of times while I was at the hospital and they also said I have to let them know when I’m back at home, so I guess I’ll have to phone them and start worrying all over again about when they’re going to speak to my mum. (One of my previous posts explains it all “Difficult Police Interview”).
Mind With A View 