What A Dilemma

Ok, so on the 15th December, I had an appointment at a police station to speak to them about something. Long story short, it’s to try get justice for myself for things that happened in my childhood (like from the age of 4 onwards)… Anyway, the police will need to speak to me again soon. But this time it’s going to be properly in detail, in a different location they said, and in the room they need to record me (video it). This is going to be so difficult, I’m thinking “what if I get shy, what if I get angry, what if I say mad serial killer things for no reason, what if I even laugh and can’t help it…” ? And the worst part is nobody can attend with me for support in some way, I can’t find anyone.

The reason I can’t find anyone to attend with me, is because of the following:

1. Who I see from the mental health team don’t do that kinda thing, in terms of support in that way (police matters etc).
2. I have no friends or acquaintances whatsoever.
3. I can’t tell my mum to go with me because she doesn’t even know about it all in the first place.

All this worry about how am I going to talk and explain etc, it’s actually putting me off going now. What if there’s more than 1 person in the room ? I’d get shy then, even 2 people is a crowd to me, I’d get nervous. Even worse what if they were female ? I dislike talking to females about things (professionals I meant). I can never feel comfortable talking to females for some reason, I’ve always found speaking to males much easier, I’ve always been like that, that’s what I’ve always got used to, even since school, in terms of speaking to professionals. I can speak to males about anything whatsoever easily, but I don’t feel that way when speaking to females.

As I say all this worry ahead, is putting me off going for the proper interview now (with the police). But then if I don’t go, I can’t get justice somehow, so that they can track down one of the men, with the details I gave them and so on. Because, I still believe all that kinda thing what happened in my childhood (sexual abuse) that’s what’s made me like this all my life, my mental health problems and also my dark / disturbing way of thinking and sometimes doing, that’s one of the root causes. And so If I can somehow deal with it in terms of getting justice, then maybe it will help me learn to live with it somehow. What would be better is, if I could remember the details of all the other men from my childhood, but no, I can only remember the proper details of one of them (e.g full name etc).

Another big worry, this is the biggest problem of all… The police said eventually they will have to speak to my mum and other people who lived in that area at the time in order to get any details that they may remember of one of the men in my childhood ! If it goes to court they said… Now I’m thinking “no way ! My mum can’t know ! No one knows about my childhood properly other than a few mental health professionals in the past and my partner in the past” !

Any suggestions anyone ? I feel like, if they have to speak to my mum, I’d rather not go through with the whole justice thing. How would she feel ? How would I feel ? I wouldn’t want her to know this kinda thing about me, I wouldn’t want any close relativities to know this about me, at all, e.g my brother, cousins, uncle, aunt, even my father didn’t know about that kinda thing about me.

I’ve just realised, everything I’m writing in this whole blog, are things that I would never discuss in public, and if I did, it would only be to some mental health professionals in the past, even then there’s things I wouldn’t say about myself. I guess now, decades of not being able to just get everything off my mind, I thought well, just do it, no one knows you personally anyway here, just say everything you want here, nothing to lose and no one knows me personally, so what… Know what I mean.